Zack Snyder Retouches Your Favourites
If you’ve ever met a teenage boy – or someone with the emotional maturity of a teenage boy – you’ve probably come across a Zack Snyder fan. The director burst onto the scene with a steroid-injected remake of Dawn of the Dead in 2004, and has since carved out his very own niche of Fully Sick Cinema with a dash of overplayed emotion that has earned a lot of Fully Sick Dollars. And with his Superman adaptation Man of Steel coming out later this year, he shows no signs of slowing down… except maybe to ramp to slow motion to kick a guy into a hole or something.
Looking back over his time at the top of the Hollywood chain, it’s clear Snyder has developed a habit of getting his grubby fingerprints all over cult favourites. And with so many classic movies out there absolutely begging for a remake – who should we get to update these well-loved icons for those lucrative 18-35 year old males? Well, duh. Who else?
INT. BEDROOM WHERE EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE A SILHOUETTE – NIGHT
There’s some old dude in a huge four-poster bed, looking at a snow globe – this is CHARLES FOSTER KANE. A sassy NURSE walks in with a tray of breakfast.
Come here, sugar.
The nurse wanders over and starts to administer an injection.
You know if there’s one thing I regret in this life, it’s–
Suddenly, KANE tenses up and grabs at his heart. He looks at the NURSE with betrayal.
Sorry, Mr. Kane. Doctor’s orders.
He headbutts her, then RAMP TO SLOW MOTION as he punches her in the stomach so she goes flying back into the far wall – causing a MASSIVE DENT. It is TOTALLY AWESOME.
He drops the snow globe onto the sheet and stumbles out of bed just as she comes running back with a SLOW MOTION upper cut across his cheek. His skin RIPPLES like a basset hound.
He hits back with a few weakened punches, but the drug is obviously kicking in. She grabs what remains of his old man hair and smashes his face into the damn post of his damn fancy bed. She does it again for another spurt of UNNECESSARY BLOOD and WOOD SPLINTERS to go flying in SLOW MOTION.
He slumps to the ground. He groans.
The NURSE puts the snow globe back into his hands, there is a note of sadness in her eyes.
KANE is totally dying. It is pretty dramatic and heavy.
Blech… erkk… uhhhhh… Rosebuuuuuud—
He goes limp, the snow globe slips from his fingers. It falls to the ground and shatters in SLOW MOTION.
The Guns ‘N’ Roses’ cover of LIVE AND LET DIE blares.
EXT. FUTURE ROOF – NIGHT
It is CGI raining, like really hard, on a futuristic rooftop that has definitely been bleach-bypassed in post. Retired cop, DECKARD shows up. He is meant to be in his late forties, but this is the MOVIES, so he actually looks about thirty-one. He looks behind him for the replicant, ROY.
He sees ROY approaching in the distance and runs in the other direction. He makes an inhumanly large leap to the other side, but slips in the rain and is left hanging off the edge.
ROY follows him and, RAMP TO SLOW MOTION, also makes the giant leap but he is NOT HUMAN so does a perfect three-point landing and it is FULLY AWESOME.
DECKARD fingers slip and he begins to fall in SLOW MOTION until ROY grabs him and pulls him up. He makes this shit look easy.
ROY sits down. His replicant life or battery or whatever is starting to run out and he is getting sad.
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
DECKARD is moved. Then he punches ROY in the cheek in SLOW MOTION. His replicant skin RIPPLES like a summer dress in the wind.
Time to die.
ROY powers down. RAMP TO SLOW MOTION as DECKARD kicks the body off the roof and it falls through the SLOW MOTION rain. It is pretty dramatic and heavy.
GONE WITH THE WIND
INT. RICH PLANTATION HOUSE – NIGHT
RHETT BUTLER, handsome and dashing, packs a suitcase. SCARLETT O’HARA, in a skimpy civil war era robe, cries her eyes out. She is hot and upset and it is SO AWESOME.
Rhett, don’t go! I love you!
RHETT closes his suitcase and walks out of the room.
RHETT opens the door. SCARLETT chases him.
Rhett! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
RHETT raises his hand and, RAMP TO SLOW MOTION, back-hands her across the cheek. Her silly hysterical woman skin RIPPLES like one of those ruffle crisps.
Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.
She falls to the ground in SLOW MOTION and the floor SPLINTERS with the impact.
He walks off into the fog. It is pretty dramatic and heavy.
Writer’s note: In retrospect, it appears I may have a slight disagreement with Snyder’s directing style.